


Taking a Risk

by BridgetP



Category: Blue Bloods (TV)
Genre: Blue Bloods - Freeform, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-16 14:59:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29455644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BridgetP/pseuds/BridgetP
Summary: It's been almost 3 years since Danny lost the love of his life. Now he has to figure out how to live again.Of course, I don't own any of the characters from Blue Bloods, but I wouldn't be opposed to meeting Donnie.
Relationships: Danny Reagan/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 11
Kudos: 1





	1. Our Anniversary

**Author's Note:**

> This story takes place sometime in Season 11. It's just something that has been floating around in my head for awhile. I'm not sure if it's any good but here it is. I'm not completely set on whether I like the title or not.

Chapter 1:  
A/N: Takes place in Season 11

Danny’s House

Danny takes a look at the calendar and walks out of the kitchen quickly. He doesn’t know whether he wants to sit down on the couch and cry or go throw up, but he knows he doesn’t like the way he feels. He knows eating dinner is probably a bad idea but he eats some bites of cold pizza anyway. November 16th! That date staring at him like a dagger through his chest. As he got his bearings, he heard a knock at the door. Who would be visiting him this late? Sean was upstairs doing homework, so he went to get the door.

“Hello,” Danny says as he opens the door. “Hey,” his new friend, Melanie says. He can’t remember exactly how or when they first met, maybe 6 or 8 months ago, but he couldn’t help but notice something special about her.  
  
“Sorry to stop by unannounced but when we spoke last night, you seemed down, so I thought I would come by and cheer you up.” Danny swallowed hard to push down the emotions he was feeling. His mind drifted back to their conversation the night before. He could hear his family telling him that it was time to move on. They meant well. They didn’t want him to lonely, but the idea of being in a relationship with someone new felt like an elephant sitting on his chest. He couldn’t breathe. Why did he feel guilty about it so much?

He led Melanie into the living room. “You want to watch a movie. I’ll grab us some drinks.”

Melanie had never been in his house before. She wasn’t even sure if they were dating or not. She knew that she liked him and she thought he liked her but you can never tell with his rough exterior. He’s so hard to read. The first thing she noticed was a small picture of Danny and a blond on the side table. They couldn’t be more than 16 or 17. “Cute,” she thought. There was also a large family picture with the same blond and she could only assume his two sons. That must be his wife, she thought to herself. She’s pretty and probably smart too.

When Danny returned to the living room, Melanie could tell that something was wrong. She asked him if there was anything he wanted to talk about. Danny looked down at the floor and said, “No, because I know what will happen if I talk about it.” He was desperately trying and failing to not think about it. He bit his lip to distract himself. “What is going to happen?” Danny sniffles and looks at her out of the corner of his eye with a single tear he couldn’t hold back anymore sliding down his cheek. “What is it, Danny,” Melanie says starting to get concerned? “Maybe I can help?” “Talk to me, she said.”

“Can you bring my wife back, Danny says quietly?” 

“No,” Melanie replied. He rarely mentioned his wife in conversations. She guessed because it hurt too much.

“Can you keep tomorrow from coming, Danny says with his eyes filling with tears?” 

“No, I can’t do that either,” Melanie said with a sad smile. Danny wished she could help but he knows nothing is going to keep the tears from flowing out.

“Tomorrow would be our Anniversary. 23 years ago, I made a promise before friends, family, and God to love and cherish Linda for the rest of my days.” Melanie put her hand on his shoulder and let him shed some tears he desperately wanted to hold in. He hated crying. He felt all he did anymore was cry. His best friend, his soul mate, his everything was gone. “I’m sorry. I don’t I’m going to be very good company today.” 

“I’m just here to be your friend, nothing more,” she said. Melanie knew he didn’t want to be pressured into anything serious and today was definitely not the day to suggest such a thing.

Maybe if he talked about her it would help. “Tell me about how you met.”

Danny smiled as he remembered that perfect day. The sun was shining and everything looked beautiful. At least, it did through his rose-colored glasses.  
  
“I was 13 and going over to my friend Jimmy’s to study. Well, that’s what we told our parents but really we played video games and messed around. When the time came for my mom to pick me up, she pulls up into the driveway and the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen pops out of the passenger seat (but I didn’t realize her beauty at the time). Apparently, my mom was volunteering at the local library where Jimmy’s sister, Linda, had been studying," Danny explained. "We didn’t get to talk much that night but that was the night I knew I wanted to get to know her better. She was something special, Melanie. She really was. Over the years, we became better friends. Do you ever have one of those friends who you put in the ‘Friend Box’?" Danny asked Melanie, who appeared very interested in the story. “Linda was in mine while I dated other girls and basically got a reputation of being player. She was always there to listen and never judge, well not judge much anyway"

“That’s sweet,” Melanie says. “What made you come to your senses?”

“Luck!” “I was dating Marianne Romano and she was dating some idiot named, Paul. He was moron who didn’t deserve her at all but anyway… We were at the pool party before my Junior Year and her Sophomore Year and we were chatting away…"

****************  
*Flash Back*  
  


> ““Linda, do you ever think about the future, Danny asked Linda?” 
> 
> “Of course,” Linda says excitedly, “I want to help people. I would love to be a nurse or a doctor. I could save lives.” “Do you?” 
> 
> “Sometimes. Can I ask you something, Danny asked shyly?” 
> 
> “Sure,” Linda looks inquisitively at him. 
> 
> Danny starts to say, “I think I’m starting to find a girl very attractive but I’m afraid to ruin the friendship.” 
> 
> “Marianne,” Linda said. 
> 
> Danny said, “No, not Marianne. This girl has more character and integrity than anyone I know. She’s smart, funny, and beautiful. I know a girl like her would never go for a player like me. It’s just a crazy thought. Forget it!” 
> 
> Linda laughed. “You pretend to be a player and a rock hard guy but those who really know you know the truth. You are really just a big softy. You genuinely care about that people in your life.”  
>    
>  “You may have to take a risk in order to find true happiness.” 

Danny paused for a minute in the story to catch his breathe. At that point, he didn’t try to stop the few tears that kept sneaking out. His heart just hurt when he thought about Linda. The memories were so vivid in his mind.  
“Anyway, I walked her to her car that night and” Danny stopped because he didn’t know how to keep the sob from escaping. “I kissed her.” His mom always taught him from a young kid to always get consent first but in that moment he just wasn’t thinking. He just wanted to see what would happen. She didn’t slap him. That was a plus.

Danny continued the story, “I said goodbye to her and went back to party. I felt bad for what I had done. I may have been a player but never a cheater, so I broke up with Marianne after the party. Later that night, the phone rang and it was Linda on the other end and she was crying. Apparently, Paul had seen the kiss and broke up with her. A few days later, I asked her if she would be willing to give me a chance and I’m so glad she did.”

Melanie continued to listen and comfort Danny while he just let all the emotions he’d been swallowing down come out. “Just breathe, Danny. Just keep breathing.” 

“Thanks,” Danny whispers. 

“What do you mean, thanks? I don’t feel like I did anything to make you feel better. If anything, I made you feel worse.” 

Danny takes a deep breath and says, “No one ever lets me do that. They want to make everything better or make me laugh. No one ever just lets me cry.”

Melanie hated to think of him sad and crying. Grief is a nasty emotion and him and Linda had been together since they were kids, she thought. No wonder he was having such a hard time figuring out to love again.  
Maybe, just maybe she could get him to take a risk again, with her perhaps.

Danny chose the movie to watch. You know one of the movies that always make you cry. I guess he just needed to cry and she was willing to be the shoulder to cry on. Once the movie was over, she snuck out quietly as he snored loudly.


	2. It's 2am

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The title is from the New Kids on the Block, "2 in the morning."

Danny’s House

Danny woke up groggy and unsure of where he was. He tried to read the clock across the room, but everything was blurry. Did it say 2am? Why did he fall asleep on the couch? Then he remembered that Melanie had been over and smiled. Then, he remembered the date and felt of the weight of it again. It was 2 in the morning and he just wanted to say goodnight. “Happy Anniversary, Babe,” he said to himself because no one else was there. He was alone and the loneliness was suffocating. He tried unsuccessfully to get another hour or two of sleep, lying in bed with his mind thinking through decades of memories. He hated the thought of living through the fourth Anniversary without Linda.

Exhausted, he got showered, dressed and ready for work. 5 am came way too early every day. He could already feel that it was going to be a long day. Danny knew he should have banged in sick but then he would have to explain to Maria and his boss why and he didn’t want to do that. 

Confused, he found Sean awake in the kitchen. “Why are you awake this early,” he says to Sean, who looks like he didn’t sleep much either. “I couldn’t sleep,” Sean says not really looking at his dad but more at the floor or anything else. “I thought about making pancakes this morning because I know you used to do that with mom on your Anniversary but the last time I tried that I almost burned down the house.”  
“Good call,” Danny says with a little smile. He loved his son and his ability to make him laugh. “We’ll make our own traditions. I have to get to work.”

5-4 Precinct

Danny arrived at work but if he was really being honest, he didn’t consciously remember much of the drive. He doesn’t even get his coat off before Maria says that they have a case. A case, great! Maybe that’s just the distraction he needs. The day goes by at a snail’s pace and he really hates the way Maria keeps looking at him. 

Maria: “How long have we been partners?”  
Danny: “8 years.”  
Maria: “and friends even longer.”  
Danny: “Right. Why?”  
Maria: “So I know what today is. Do you want to talk about it?”  
Danny: “I do not but thank you.”

Danny appreciates her concern but he just wants to solve the case and get home. The case keeps them busy and him sufficiently distracted for a while, until he’s sitting at his desk preparing to go home. His family picture catches his eyes and he starts daydreaming about his wedding day and his thoughts went to Melanie. He picked up his phone to text her as it started to ring. He smiled and answered. Melanie asked him how his day was going and if he wanted her to come over tonight. Danny told her it was okay to come over but that he needs to make some stops on the way home. He didn’t think he would very good company tonight either, but it was better than being alone, right?  


“Maria,” he says after he hung up, “this just sucks. I miss her.” 

“I know you do, Danny,” she says.

“You don’t. Everyone says that, but you just don’t know,” Danny says not meaning to sound angry.

“Who was that on the phone,” she inquires. She hadn’t seen him smile, really smile, like that in a long time.

“Promise not to judge me,” Danny says to Maria, “that was Melanie. 

“Ooh, Melanie. Why would I judge you? So when do I get to meet this girl who appears to be making you smile again,” Maria says with a silly grin.

Maria notices Danny get really quiet and says, “You know Linda loved you. She would want you to be happy. She would not want you to stay so lonely.” “You’ve been dancing around this issue back and forth for months.” Danny and Maria talked some more and Danny left feeling a better, but not great. He still missed Linda tremendously and couldn’t imagine anyone taking her place. He could hear Maria’s word floating around in his head, 

> _“She loved you.”  
>  “You aren’t cheating on Linda.”  
>  “Loving someone else doesn’t take away from your years with Linda.”  
>  “You don’t have to forget her. It doesn’t mean that you have to stop loving Linda.” _

But did it, he thought. How could he ask another woman to be okay with him still in love with someone else?  
On the way home from the precinct, he stops by the cemetery. He needs to talk to Linda. He wished he believed in what the Medium believed. He wished he believed that she was present and could hear his thoughts and respond back but he knows that he doesn’t. What he wouldn’t give for five more minutes with her; to tell her about his day and what the kids were doing; to give her a hug and never let go. He put his hand on the cold stone that felt so permanent. His eyes started to feel wet, so he brushed the tears away.

“Happy Anniversary, Babe.” He poured his heart out to her for what felt like hours but probably was only a few minutes. He just needed some reassurance from her that he wasn’t doing anything wrong. Him feeling feelings for Melanie was not cheating, right? He knows that Maria was right but he just wanted a sign from her that it was okay. The wind was cold. He hated November. The whole month was cold and dark and it just made him feel depressed.

“I love you,” he says with his hand still on the cold stone. He leans down to touch her name as tears streamed down his face. “I love you more,” the wind seemed to say.  
“I love you most!” Danny walked slowly back to his car. He quickly wipes his face when he sees someone leaning against his car.  
“I thought you might come here after work,” she said, “but I didn’t want to interrupt your time with Linda, so I stayed over here."

Danny gave Melanie a hug, truly happy to see her. Was this the sign that he wanted or was he overthinking it? Probably overthinking it, but he didn’t care. He didn’t want to be alone right now.

After a few minutes of sitting in Danny’s car, Melanie gets the courage to ask him, “What are so afraid of?”

“Me! I’m afraid that I going to mess this friendship up and I won’t be able to forgive myself if I hurt you. In my line of work, girls are willing to do whatever it takes sometimes to get out of whatever jam they are in. I spent so long putting up a protective wall and guardrails to protect my marriage. Linda always knew that any allegation about me and any women were false. She could count on that.” Danny hoped that Melanie understand what he was trying to say. Tearing down all these walls was going to take time and he didn’t want her to have to wait around for him to figure it out. 

“You never crossed the line," Melanie asked?” 

“Never, not once,” Danny says assuredly.

“Will you hate me if I quote Linda? Maybe it’s a risk you need to take in order to find true happiness,” she says a little worried how he will react.  
Danny chuckled at that a little. He knew she was probably right. 

“Would it be okay if I kissed you?” Melanie was hoping he'd ask. "Of course," she agreed. Danny leaned over in the car and kissed her and then smiled and felt like he was going to throw up at the same time. Had he really just done that? Melanie is unsure how to read his reaction but she’s pretty sure she knows why Linda was speechless after their first kiss. “You can do that anytime you want, Danny,” Melanie said smiling


	3. Family Dinner

_Frank’s House_

Normally, Danny loved Sunday dinner with his family. His family was the rock in his very beaten life lately. Today though, he just sat quietly throughout dinner. He listened to his sister talk about her most recent case and some attorney she thought was hot. His dad and Pop got into some argument about police procedure. Sean was quiet, quieter even than usual. After dinner, he volunteered to do the dishes. Washing dishes could generally keep his mind occupied enough to keep himself from thinking about the thoughts he was avoiding. 

Sensing his dad behind him, he says, “When does it stop?” 

“When does what stop,” Frank wonders out loud.  


“The pain, the grief, the sleepless nights, the loneliness, the missing…,” he breaks his thought for a second, “her.”  
“I miss her dad and the pain just hurts. There’s no other way to describe it. It just hurts.” Danny hated the pathetic way his voice sounded. He’s supposed to be a tough Detective, not stuck in an endless cycle of grief. He kissed another girl. How could he do that? He felt shame, guilt and happy all at once. How is that even possible?

“I miss your mom every day, Danny, but you learn to live again, one day at the time. You lean on your family. We are here for you when you need us,” Frank answered.  
  
Without turning around, under his breath, Danny says, “What if I don’t want to?” Danny sighs heavily.

Apparently, it wasn’t quiet enough because Frank stands up and walks over to Danny, grabs his shoulders and says softly, “You don’t want to what?” Frank waited for an answer but none was coming. “Danny, answer the question!” There was something about the way he said it that made Frank nervous. 

“Live,” Danny says scaring himself a little that he said it out loud. “What if I don’t want to live without Linda, anymore,” Danny doesn’t even look up at his dad because he can feel the weight of his eyes on him. Danny didn’t mean that he wanted to die. He just didn’t want to live. 

“Do I need to take your gun, Danny?” 

“No, dad I just feel…” Danny’s voice trails off. He doesn’t know how feels. 

“I kissed her, dad.”  
Frank inquires, “You kissed who? Melissa?” Frank wondered if they were ever going to meet his girl he has mentioned occasionally. 

“Melanie! Yes and the shame of it is eating me alive. Not because I didn’t like it but because I did. I feel happy. Why do I feel so bad about that? What does it mean, dad? It’s not fair. I just want Linda to walk through that door and for me to wake up from this nightmare. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat without feeling sick. I’m stuck. ” Danny says hoping his dad would have a good answer because he felt like he was drowning.

“I would love nothing more than for that to happen, but it’s not.” Frank says sadly. “You feel like that because grief can be a thief of joy. I was stuck for a long time after your mom died. You don’t have to stay lonely just to prove your love for Linda. We know you loved her. She knew you loved her. Perhaps, you are ready to really smile again. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“He’s right you know.” Both Frank and Danny turn around to see Pops standing in the doorway. “You aren’t cheating on Linda,” Henry wisely says. Danny smiled inside a little thinking, “Where had he heard that before?" 

“You both never had anyone else after mom and Grandma,” Danny shouts. He didn’t mean to sound angry. He just wanted his heart to stop hurting. He felt so torn between holding on to Linda and maybe the possibility of dating again. He was 16 the last time he went on a first date.

“Yes,” Pops says, “I live alone with my son and have for the past 16 years.” “and I live with my dad and have for the past 16 years,” Frank agrees. “You don’t have to be like us. The shame and guilt you are feeling is not real. It’s grief dialoguing with you.”  
“It sure feels real,” Danny whispers to himself and walks out of the room.

_Sean and Jamie in the Sitting Room_

Jamie goes into the sitting room and finds Sean sitting alone on the couch. “You were quiet today. Everything okay?”  
“Just school trouble,” Sean says hoping that Jamie will just leave it alone. “That it,” Jamie asks? Sean sits for a minute and says, “I’m worried about my dad.” Jamie figured that i was something like that. He noticed how quiet both his brother and his nephew had been at dinner.

“He never smiles anymore. He cries when he’s in his room. He doesn’t know that I hear him, but I do. He sits and stares at mom’s picture on the fridge,” Sean says with sadness in his voice. Sean wanted to do something but he didn’t know what. “How do I help him?”  
Jamie thinks for a moment. He was only 4 years old when his big brother starting hanging with his friend Linda. Linda was always his favorite babysitter. She was the first of Danny’s ‘girlfriends’ that actually enjoyed having him around. She was pretty glad when they starting dating and got married. 

“I’m not sure. Be there for him when he wants to talk and just listen.” Jamie couldn’t even begin to imagine the pain Danny was feeling. He had only been married for a few years but the thought of losing Eddie made his heart stop. He tried to share these thoughts with Sean and hoped he was getting his point across.

“My point Sean is that you miss your mom” Sean shook his head affirmatively. “and I miss Linda enormously but if you combine our grief and multiply it by 1000, you don’t even come close to his.” Sean knew that Jamie was right. He loved hearing his parents tell stories of their childhood together. His friends were always jealous of how much his parents loved each other. He knew not all families were like his.  
“I want to talk to him about mom but I don’t want to make him sad,” Sean says still looking at the floor. “I miss her too.”

“I think he has a girlfriend too or at least a girl he likes, but he won’t talk to me about that either.” “I don’t know anything about that,” Jamie told him but wondered to himself why he didn’t know either.

“Sean, it’s time to go. You have school in the morning,” Danny yells from the other room.

Much of the ride home was silent. Danny had overheard some the conversation between Sean and Jamie but didn’t want to interfere. “You know Sean,” Danny says breaking the silence a few blocks from home, “You never have to afraid to talk to me about your mom. I don’t ever want her name to be something people avoid around me.”

“But you look sad when she’s mentioned,” Sean says.

“I am sad but that doesn’t mean that I don’t want your mom to still be a part of our lives. Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting and it doesn’t mean that I stop loving your mom.” Did he just really say that, Danny thinks to himself? 

“Sean, I would give anything to have your mom back in my arms but you know what I miss the most.” Danny says as they pull in front of the house. Sean looks away and thinks that he does but did he really want to talk about that, about his parents. “No, not that Sean!” Danny says with a grin thinking back to the awkward conversations about sex he had with parents. “Well, I do miss that but what I miss the most is our long talks after you boys went to bed. I miss our walks around the block on our days off together; our dinners alone when you boys were with friends. I miss when we would go the zoo together as a family. She loved the animals but even more than that, she loved you boys. I miss her presence when I got home from work. I miss her laugh, her smile, her touch that could always make a dark day bright again.” Danny paused for a moment to catch the sob in his throat and stuff it down. “I miss hearing her voice.” Danny sighs and breathes heavy. Danny continued to share how he never wanted her memory to leave their lives.

“I hear you cry in your room, Sean says.” 

“I do, often. Probably more than I like too. It’s okay to cry sometimes, Danny replies.” 

Sean looks at his dad with a tear on his cheek and says, “I miss her. Mom always told me that it was okay to cry.” 

“I know,” Danny says as he lets Sean shed a few tears into his chest and he lets a few of his go too.

Sean took a deep breath and said, “I hope I meet someone someday that I love and who loves me as much as you and mom loved each other.” 

“I do too, Sean,” Danny says.

Sean got quiet again and says, “If you ever wanted to date again, I think mom would truly be happy about that. She loved you.” 

“Thanks, Sean,” Danny says as he got out of the car. He watches Sean go into the house wondering if there was more Sean wanted to talk about. 

“I’m okay with it too, so is Jack,” Sean turned around and added.


	4. Just a Day at the Park

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This idea came to mind somewhat as I wrote it. I thought Danny deserved to have a good day. I hope you enjoy it.

It was a Monday. He usually hated Mondays but today he felt a little cheerful. He couldn’t put his finger on exactly why but he just felt good. He hadn’t felt good in a long time. He had a small bounce in his step when he got to his desk.  
“What’s with you this morning, Danny?” Maria asked.

“I don’t know. I just feel confident today. Today is going to be a good day. I just know it.” Danny says with a smile.

Maria liked this new attitude in her partner. It was a welcome change from the moody, grumpy-head he had been lately. “The boss says we have a case.”

“What do we got?” Danny asked. Danny and Maria read through the report. There was a shooting downtown with no witnesses found, yet, and no obvious motive. They drive together to the crime scene hoping to talk to someone who saw something, anything. Even the smallest detail can be helpful. The victim was a woman in her late 30s with two kids. Danny asked a few of the uniform cops to start canvasing the area. The woman had no enemies and appeared to have a friendly ex-husband. “I’ll see if we can get a warrant for her phone and email. Maybe that will give us something,” Danny says to Maria. Maria is already on the phone with the ME’s office trying to pin down a cause of death, anything that could give them a clue about who did this.

Maria and Danny continue to work the case from all angles and keep hitting a brick wall at every turn. There is no such thing as the perfect crime, but if there was this murderer may have pulled it off.

“Maybe a walk in the park will lend an idea,” Danny says to Maria. Maria went along with it. It certainly couldn’t hurt. There was a park next to the Precinct that the partners often enjoyed a walk or an outside meal break. As they are walking through the park, Danny stopped for a moment and smiled. He could see off in the distance Melanie sitting on a bench with who appeared to be a friend. What was she doing in the park in the middle of the afternoon, he thought to himself? Maria notices and follows his eyes to see where he was looking. 

“What are you looking at, partner?” Maria wonders out loud. Suddenly, Maria’s phone rings and she moves away to answer it. While she is away, Danny makes his own phone call.

> “Want to meet for lunch,” Danny said with a smile?  
>  “I thought you had a tour today,” Melanie says a bit incredulous. “I was going to make a surprise visit into your Precinct later.”  
>  “I do but Sunrise Park is beautiful today and I could really go for a burger.” Danny says.  
>  “I’m in Sunrise Park right now," Melanie says.  
>  “I know,” Danny says barely containing his happiness. 

Melanie and her friend walk over to where the partners are standing and Danny introduces Maria and Melanie and Melanie introduces her friend to them.

“Nice to finally meet you, Melanie. I’ve heard quite a bit about you,” Maria tells her with a smile. Maria was glad to see a bright smile on her partner’s face for a change. “That was the boss on the phone. He wants me back at the squad for something. You can meet me back there after you grab your burger.” Danny and Maria exchange glances as she goes to walk away and say all that needs to be said. They had worked together so long that sometimes they could just read each other’s mind. 

“I should go too,” says Melanie’s friend, “You have a nice lunch.” Melanie smiles at her friend and says goodbye. 

“I guess it’s just us then,” Danny says. Danny and Melanie start on the path towards the fountain and Danny’s favorite food truck and Danny asks her, “What do you call a pig that does karate?” Melanie looks at him like he’s lost his mind. “I don’t know. What?”

“A pork chop,” Danny laughs as he slaps his forehead. Had he really made a lame dad joke? Yes, yes he did. He could probably think of some more too but probably shouldn’t.

Melanie loved it and followed it up with, “What did the policeman say to his belly button?” “You’re under a vest.” She turned from him for a second. “Okay that was really bad!” Melanie blushed as she turned back and looked at Danny. She was scared to let him fully in but he enjoyed his company, so she was willing to take the chance.

Danny couldn’t believe how comfortable he felt. He still had a tinge of uneasiness about it but he got more comfortable with each passing moment. “The joke was funny,” he says. He pushed all the negative thoughts out and just kept reminding himself that Linda would be happy for him. That’s what everybody keeps telling him and he knows they are right.

“My Uncle was a cop so he used to lay those kinds of jokes on us incessantly at family gatherings,” Melanie says with a chuckle. 

“Tell me another one,” Danny requests with a smirk.

“Okay. Umm? What do you call an alligator detective?” Melanie doesn’t even look at Danny because she knows the joke is really corny. She sneaks a peak at him out of the corner of her eye.

“What?” Danny says laughing.

“An investi-gator! Get it, a gator who investigates.” By this time, they are both just laughing hysterically.

“I get it,” Danny says once he catches his breath. He knew today was going to be a good day. He hadn’t laughed or even felt happy like this in quite some time. Danny hears the Food Truck guys call his name, so their food was ready. “Seriously, these are the best burgers in New York. Okay maybe not but they should be.”

Melanie agrees. This is a great day, she thinks to herself. The weather is perfect and the company is even better.

After they finish their greasy, delicious burgers and perfectly golden fries, Danny knows he has to go back to work. Maria is going to be calling him any minute if he doesn’t get back.  
“Maybe I’ll call you tonight after I get off,” Danny says. 

“You’d better,” Melanie says.

_5-4 Precinct_

Danny is on cloud nine when he walks back into the Precinct where he finds Maria staring at a video monitor. “How was lunch,” She says? 

“What do you call an alligator detective?” Danny says still laughing. Maria rolls her eyes at her partner who has clearly lost his mind. “Never mind,” he says with a giggle. “What are you watching?”

“Surveillance videos from the nearby stores, so far I’ve got nothing,” she tells him. “Did you hear back from your sister about the warrants?”

Danny was about to answer when Erin walks into the Squad. “Oh no,” Danny says. 

“What?” Maria says looking confused. 

“It’s Reagan thing. Good news, you call. Bad news, you show up” Danny tells his partner.

“I’m sorry Danny. I was able to get cell phone records but no search warrant for the ex-husband’s house. The DA wants more first,” Erin tells them. Danny cursed under his breath. He was the closest thing to a suspect that they could think of. They needed the case to break. They needed something. He made a promise, which he knows that he should never do, to those little girls that he would find their mother’s killer.

“You’ll solve it, Danny,” Erin says with confidence. Erin knew her brother drove her crazy sometimes but he was the best Detective she knew. As she turns to leave, she whispers in his ear, “What is this I hear about you meeting someone?” Danny looks at her with a guilty smile.

“It’s nothing yet, Erin,” He says to her but she isn’t convinced.

“I’m glad. I know Linda would be happy,” Erin says. Danny looks at her with a questioning look and she continues. “You don’t think Linda and I talked about everything. All the times that she would call me in the middle of night terrified that you were supposed to be home but you weren’t. She was worried that you were hurt somewhere or worse. She was convinced your job would make her a widow.”

Danny cringed at the irony of that statement. Erin went on to say, “I asked her once if she would ever date again and do you know what she told me?”

Danny just looked over at her unsure of what to think. “She said that she didn’t think she could but she knew that you would want her too because the thought of her being lonely and stuck in grief would break your heart, even from Heaven.” Erin looked at the floor to try to hide the tears in her eyes. She didn’t want Danny to see them. She missed her sister-in-law and friend so much.  
  
“Thanks, Erin but she is one who is gone,” Danny says with dust in his eye.

“and you don’t think she would say the same thing to you if she was here,” Erin says whipping a tear off her cheek. “She loved you. You were her best friend for as long as she could remember.”

Danny knew she was right. They were all right. He was beginning to open himself to the real possibility. The thought scared him but also made him smile. Is it possible to find your soul mate twice in a lifetime? Was he moving too fast in his mind? He knew that Melanie couldn’t replace Linda, no one could but maybe his heart was big enough for two?

Danny sat down slowly into his chair and says, "I miss her Erin. I miss her every damn day." 

Erin put her hand on Danny's shoulder and gave it a little squeeze and said with a sigh, "I know you do. I miss her too." 

Erin said goodbye, for real this time, and Danny half smiled at her without really saying anything and Erin left wondering if Danny was really going to be alright.  
Danny and Maria continued to comb through piles of evidence and witness statements until the end of their shift.

As they left for the day, Maria watched Danny get into his car. She was really happy for him but she could tell he was torn. 

Danny gets into his car, puts his head on the steering wheel and says, “I love you, Babe.” After a brief pause, he continues with a silent tear on his cheek, “I love you most.”  
Today was the first good, positive day he had in a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might add another chapter or two if I can come up with some good ideas. I'm open to suggestions of where this should go.


	5. In Desperation, I Turned to Heaven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The title comes from the song, "Living Hope" by Phil Wickham

_St. Angela’s Catholic Church_

“Danny, you know that staying behind after Mass ends doesn’t get you bonus points,” Father says as he turns to see the Detective sitting in a front pew by himself.

“I know, Father, but I just wanted to have some silence for a little bit before leaving.” Father stepped down the stairs towards him and says, “Anything you need to talk about” thinking that Danny’s presence was really more intentional than happenstance?

“I was happy this week,” Danny says. “I understand the five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. I thought I got to Acceptance this week but I didn’t stay there for long. My partner and I finished a tough case this week. A guy killed his ex-wife for no reason other than he wanted a new girlfriend and wanted her out of the way. He convinced his girlfriend to do it thinking we wouldn’t connect them. Here I am someone who would do anything to have my wife back and he just gets rid of his. Who does that?” Danny stops for a second to get his emotions in check. He could feel the anger rising back up again. If it wasn’t for Maria, he probably would have gotten a RIP this week the way he threw his fist into the lockers. “Then bargaining; it should have been me, Father. I have the dangerous job that deals with bad people every day. She saved lives. Why her and not me? I was stuck in anger and depression for years. Why can’t I get stuck in Acceptance for years?”

“Because sometimes life doesn’t make sense,” Father says sympathetically. “Because grief is a cycle, it’s not a straight line. You can go through all five stages in one day then get stuck at one stage for days, months, or even years. The trick is to discover what your triggers are to get you through each stage. _‘The last enemy to be destroyed is death’ that’s literally Biblical.”_

“Grief is a circle, so it has no end – no hope,” Danny says feeling the weight of that statement. Danny felt the urge to bolt from the church. His head was starting to spin. He needed to get out of there to anywhere else.

Sensing Danny is ready to shut down, Father says, “Not true. There’s always hope. A wise man once said, _‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain,_ ” Father states. “Another wise man said, _“The Lord your God will go with you. He will not leave you or forget you._ ” Danny tried not to roll his eyes. Father sounds like his therapist, always trying to make him be positive.

“Who said that, Danny asks?” Danny takes a few uneasy breathes and doesn’t know if he wants to stay or just run. There was hope for others, but hope for him too, Danny wondered to himself?

“John said the first in Revelation,” Father explains. “The second verse is from Moses in Deuteronomy.” Father could see that Danny was really struggling and if he pushed him to hard, he could break down.

“I don’t need a Sunday School lesson, Father,” Danny says without looking at him. Anger, pain, sadness were all he felt most days. The happy days were far too few.  
  
“It’s not a Sunday School lesson. It’s truth. Do you know how to get out the cycle of grief that you’re stuck in?” Danny hears what the Father is saying but doesn’t respond. “There is much wisdom in the Bible if you just read it. Let God comfort you. There is hope in there.” Danny still doesn’t respond, so Father continues, “You can live in a cycle of grief or the cycle of hope. You get your strength from God, your family, your friends. They will get you through. Lean on them." 

“It was Linda I always leaned on,” Danny says. 

**“Linda had hope. Draw from hers,” Father says.**

Okay, I’ll just try to forget the pain and try to find acceptance that sounds easy enough Danny thinks to himself, unsure of what that even looks like. Danny looks up at the Father, smiles and says, “You really think I have it in me to do that, Father?”

“I absolutely do but it won’t be easy. It’s a daily choice to say no to the demons and yes to hope. Acceptance doesn’t mean forgetting. It doesn’t even have to mean that you never get angry or feel depressed ever again. It just means that you no longer live under the weight of the grief,” Father says with confidence. 

Danny took a deep breath that he didn’t realize he was holding and thanked Father for his time. Could he really break out of this cycle? He walked to the back of the church and lit 4 candles; one for his Grandma, one for his mom, one for his brother and one for his beautiful wife, Linda. He always loved how beautiful the candles looked against the stained glass behind them. There was such beauty in the light breaking through the darkness. Ironic huh? That’s just what he needed, light to break through his darkness. He sat in the still beauty for a few more minutes, closed his eyes and said in a quiet whisper, “God I need your strength. I can’t do this on my own.”

He heard some voices behind him and realized that his family had been looking for him. I guess they were getting worried that he was missing.

“Give him some time and space,” Danny heard his dad say to Sean. Danny found himself smiling. His family was concerned about him. He wandered over to his family and told Sean that it was time to go.

“Later Danny,” Erin says somewhat nervously sensing some uneasiness with her brother. “See you at dad’s.”

Danny pulls his dad and Sean aside briefly and asks them if they would mind if he invited Melanie over for Sunday dinner sometime. Danny figured it was probably time for her meet some of the family. So far, she had just met Sean.

“I think that’s a wonderful idea, Danny,” Frank says smiling. He was genuinely happy for his son. He appeared to be working through his demons. He hoped.

On the way to car, Danny’s phone rings. He smiles when he sees the caller ID. “Hey! What would be say to joining my family for Sunday dinner,” Danny asks with a little nervous laugh?  
  
“Well, I usually have dinner with my family on Sunday after church, but perhaps next week,” she says excitedly. Melanie loved the idea of meeting the family but even more she loved what that might mean. That’s a humongous step and they hadn’t even been on an actual date yet. 

> “What would you say to grabbing some dinner this week, maybe followed by dessert at your favorite ice cream shoppe,” Danny asks expectantly?  
>    
>  “Are you asking me out on a date, Danny Reagan,” Melanie says with a little giggle.  
>    
>  “Perhaps,” Danny says sheepishly. This whole time Sean is waiting by the car rolling his eyes. His dad was so lame but he was glad he was happy.  
>    
>  “Yes, I could be open to that. Call me later with the details, okay,” Melanie says hardly containing the smile in her voice.  
>    
>  “Sounds like a date,” Danny says as he got into the car. He looks at Sean and realizes he can’t breathe a little. He hadn’t been on a first date since he was 16! He took a deep breath and told Sean that they had to make a stop on the way home.  
> 

His drove slowly into the cemetery. He felt how quiet it was but it was beautiful too. He parked and waited for some idea of what he was going to say. Sean decided to stay in the car. He could talk to his mom from a distance. He wanted to give his dad some space, remembering what Frank had said.

The leaves crackled underneath his feet and the November breeze was chili against his skin as he strolled ever so slowly to his family’s gravestones. He followed his usual routine talking to each one.

“Hi Grandma. I miss your warm cookies that you always had baking whenever we came over. You just had a way of making us kids feel safe and loved.” Danny took a step to the right and stopped in front of his mom, “Mom, I’m still here. I'm sorry if I made you worry. Even when I was in trouble, I knew that you loved me and I could never disappoint you. I need help and I’m getting it.”

Danny looked around as if he could hear a voice, but no one was there. He took a deep breath and swallowed hard as he looked at the next stone. He missed his brother. Why didn’t he protect him so many years ago? Losing his brother was a devastating reminder of the fragility of life and the danger if he puts himself in every day. “Joe, it’s cold today. You always hated the cold days. There are warm days coming though. Isn’t that what you used to say? I miss you, brother.”

The wind blew through his coat as he took a deep breath. “Linda,” Danny put his hand on the gravestone and leaned down to rub the outline of her name. June 14th, your birthday, he thought. "I’m so glad you were born. I miss you. I’m trying to put on a brave face but this hurts. I’m going to be okay though. You don’t need to worry about me. I don’t know what the future holds but I think I’m going to be okay.” He stands up and took another shaky breath. The wind whistled through the tree branches. He couldn’t explain it but it felt warm despite being surrounded by so much cold. “I asked her out today. A real date, can you believe it? I don’t know if this is what hope feels like but it feels good. I miss you. That hasn’t changed. I’m holding on to hope. It’s what you would do. What I wouldn’t do to see your face right now; to really know that you are okay with this.”  
  
He whipped some tears off his cheek. “I can’t imagine the beauty and joy that you are surrounded with right now. I wish I could hear your voice again; see your face. I wish I was there.”

> “I love you…always will.”  
>  From somewhere in his heart, he heard the words, “I love you more.”  
>  “I love you most,” he says as the tears flow uninhibited.  
> 

After a while, he heard footprints behind him. Sean was behind him several steps away. Danny pulls him into a hug and they stand in silence until Sean says, “Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promises. Hebrews 10, verse 23.” Danny looked at him with a half-smile and Sean said, “What I pay attention in Sunday School?” As they walked back to their car, Danny paused for a moment and looked up at the sun and smiled, really smiled. Hope felt good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This feels like a good place to end this story. Thoughts?


End file.
